Give me a Reason
by Narchannen Fae
Summary: Formerly titled 'To Kill Oneself *slash version* F/B pairing! Rating for suicide attempts!
1. Default Chapter

Hey and welcome to the slashy version of 'To Kill Oneself' This is Faramir/Beregond slash and thoughts of incest. The first chapter at least will be much like the first chapter of the no-slash version but then they will become different. For more info on ages and stuff check out the a/n on the first chapter of the other version, although I will put a disclaimer here. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: None of these people or places belong to me they belong to the great JRR Tolkien.  
  
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Emptiness. That was all that Faramir felt as he sat on the warm blankets of his bed. Moonlight poured in the open window illuminating his rugged features, especially his eyes that usually radiated happiness and joy, but not now. Now the gray orbs were locked on the blade of a dagger that rested upon his pillow, barely making an indent in the soft down. Slowly one trembling hand inched up the sheets taking the cold handle into his palm. He stared at his reflection in the dull blade that was being stroked by his finger. He hissed in pain as the sharp point penetrated the soft pad of his index finger making red blood bloom on the rough skin. Hot tears followed in the wake of the blood and Faramir mentally punched himself saying;  
  
Why the fuck am I crying? He doesn't cry so why should I?  
  
The he of course was his brother Boromir. The one who did everything right, no matter what. Faramir envied him with his whole heart. He envied the way he could fall and get right back up. The way he spoke with a rough gentleness. The way his muscles rippled when he was sparring….  
  
Faramir scowled at himself shoving these thoughts away from his mind. He knew he loved Boromir but at the same time he hated him with a passion. A passion even greater then his love. He hated how he sucked up to their father. How their father went along with him. How perfect he was…. This hate however could not be compared to the hate he held for himself.  
  
He stared at his reflection in the knife blade again. Damp brown locks clung to his slim face that had streaks of dirt and tears upon it.  
  
Dirt! he mentally cried. That's all I am dirt!  
  
Memories of what had happened earlier that day flooded back into his mind making him wince from the embarrassment he could still feel  
  
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"You are getting much better my brother," said Boromir as he and Faramir parried lightly with their practice swords.  
  
"I thank you," said Faramir, trying as hard as he could to be gallant. How he longed to beat Boromir and wipe that smirk off his face, but it was not meant to happen.  
  
So lost in his thoughts it took a moment for him to notice that he was lying face down in the dirt, the very essence of himself.  
  
"Well I guess you aren't as good as you think you are," said Boromir and Faramir blushed in embarrassment as laughter from the people who were watching reached his ears.  
  
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Sparring wasn't everything but to be embarrassed in front of everyone like that? It would be a long while before he forgot the stares that he was given. They were so different from the one's he received when he spilt red wine all over the best tablecloths. And those were different from the time….  
  
A choked sob escaped his lips as he thought of all the times he had screwed up. And when he cried how there was no one there to comfort him and tell him that everyone makes mistakes.  
  
Sobbing he lifted the knife to his left palm pressing the blade down with steady but gentle pressure. As he moved to slice towards his wrist he found his hand unable to move.  
  
"No!" he shouted flinging the knife away. This action only made him sob harder. No matter how many times he tried to kill himself he couldn't follow thorough.  
  
Damn you, you….  
  
"Coward," came a voice from the doorway.  
  
TBC 


	2. Default Chapter

Please R&R! Sorry that I have to reduce to begging but I believe that this is my best work so far and I want to know what you think! Everyone who has read the books *should* know who Beregond is. Speech in a flashback is it . Enjoy!  
  
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"Honestly you never follow through with things do you?" chuckled the figure that was leaning against the doorframe.  
  
Faramir smiled slightly as he recognized the figure to be his friend Beregond.  
  
Faramir attempted to casually wipe his tears away but Beregond sauntered into the room and used his own thumb to wipe the beads of liquid that ran down the sides of Faramir's face.  
  
"You know that I was only teasing you love. But tell me.why were you trying to kill yourself *again*"  
  
Faramir turned his face away from Beregond feeling heat rise in his face.  
  
"Oh don't tell me *that* is the reason cause you did really well."  
  
"You wouldn't understand. He always manages to get me embarrassed and I can't take much more."  
  
"Well in that case can I help you take your mind off it?"  
  
A weak smile crossed Faramir's face. "You can try."  
  
"And so I will."  
  
Slowly he caressed Faramir's face wiping away every last trace of moisture. His fingers, though rough, felt extremely soothing. Gently he pressed a kiss to Faramir's forehead making him smile.  
  
"Thank you.." he began but the words were cut off by Beregond's mouth covering his own.  
  
Faramir moaned, as the kiss became more passionate. The two clung to each other desperate for more.  
  
"You always know how to make me feel better," commented Faramir as Beregond stripped him of his tunic, leaving him bare to the waist.  
  
He didn't say anything just attacked Faramir's peaked nipple with his tongue, making him groan.  
  
"Am I distracting you?" he whispered against Faramir's skin, just as he pushed a hand beneath the waistband of Faramir's leggings.  
  
"Yes," Faramir moaned as callused hands stroked his heated length. Waves of pleasure built up inside of him as Beregond stroked him faster and faster.  
  
"I can't hold on much longer," he cried, but Beregond smirked and increased the pace of his hand. With a strangled moan Faramir exploded into his lover's hand.  
  
After he had regained his breath Faramir instinctively moved his own hand down between Beregond's thighs but was surprised when he grabbed his wrist.  
  
"Let me make love to you," whispered Beregond making Faramir stare at him. It wasn't often that he made this request, usually they were both satisfied with touching each other. But tonight Faramir knew that they needed it.  
  
He nodded in assent and Beregond smiled at him.  
  
"I'll make this good for you I promise."  
  
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He was true to his word. Fifteen minuets later they lay in each other's arms, sweatslicked bodies pressed together.  
  
"That was amazing," murmured Faramir gently pressing a kiss to his cheek.  
  
Beregond didn't respond. Faramir laughed upon realizing that he had fallen asleeap.  
  
"Sweet dreams love," he whispered before too succumbed to the lull of sleep.  
  
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(Faramir's POV)  
  
Sunlight shone directly on my face making me squint. But that soon turned to a smile as I looked at Beregond's peaceful face as he slept. Gently smoothing out the mass of tangled hair away from his forehead I caressed his face mulling things over in my head.  
  
How long had we been lovers? Maybe a few months? It seemed much longer then that, for we had always been friends. I couldn't remember when things had changed, but I could remember the words that we had spoken to each other when this all had started.  
  
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Do you want this?, he had asked.  
  
I..I have never done this before, I murmured, trembling.  
  
We.we could be lovers.just you know.so you know what it is like.to be with another man, he proposed.  
  
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And I had foolishly accepted. We had agreed that there would be no emotional attachments other then friendship. And I had broken that agreement, yet I wondered if he had too. But I was always too afraid to ask, but I needed to know.  
  
"Beregond," I asked gently. "Do I mean anything to you?"  
  
"Of course Faramir," he mumbled sleepily. "You're my friend."  
  
My heart sunk, but I persisted. "No, I mean could you love me?"  
  
"Of course I love you. I love the way you moan just before you come. I love."  
  
It was as if I had been slapped. He hadn't said it but I knew what it meant. "I love your body." The words echoed in my head. It was then that I realized whenever he called me love it was no more than a pet name. And that's what I was, his pet.his whore.  
  
"Get out," I whispered, as he stretched and looked at me through sleep hazed eyes.  
  
"Faramir I." he asked, confused.  
  
"Get out," I repeated, tears welling up in my eyes but refusing to fall.  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Did I mean anything to you? Or *this*" I asked, running a trembling hand over my bare chest for emphasis. "Did *this* mean anything?"  
  
"Was it suppost to?" he asked, his mouth forming a thin line. "I thought we had agreed."  
  
"I know what we agreed too," I interrupted. "But is it wrong to ask for more?"  
  
His normally passive eyes flashed with anger, he was obviously awake now. "You know I don't get you Faramir. I have already given you much more than you deserve. I am the one you come crying too after every little mistake you make. Is that not enough for you?"  
  
To that I had no answer, only tears.  
  
"I just don't understand you!" he whispered before picking his discarded clothing off the floor and leaving the room, slamming the door behind him.  
  
"Wait!" I called weakly, and it took a few minutes for me to absorb everything that had just happened, but when it did, fresh tears formed behind my eyes.  
  
TBC. 


End file.
